


We'll (never) Make It

by aurawinterrain



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi Keiji-centric, Angst, Bokuto suffers too, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Editor Akaashi Keiji, Heavy Angst, M/M, Manga Spoilers, One-Sided Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Pro Volleyball Player Bokuto Koutarou, Pro Volleyball Player Miya Atsumu, akaashi is suffering, why do i do this to them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:41:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24252997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aurawinterrain/pseuds/aurawinterrain
Summary: “We weren’t ever going to work out, were we?” Bokuto asked softly, pushing his food around on his plate. There was a sigh, then a long, drawn out silence, before Akaashi finally replied.“No, but I did love you, Bokuto-san. I really did."-Akaashi lets Bokuto go.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto Koutarou/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 7
Kudos: 110





	We'll (never) Make It

Bokuto should have known better. Akaashi was beautiful. Akaashi was smart. Akaashi was everything that he wanted and more. Falling for Akaashi was like drowning in the ocean with a rock tied to your foot, you just keep falling and falling deeper, and there was no amount of upthrust that can help you. Akaashi made it clear at the start of their relationship - could he call it that? - that he wasn’t interested in anything that was long term. He liked Bokuto, but that was where his feelings stopped. 

It wasn’t love, it wasn’t anything like what the books and movies described. He couldn’t see a future with someone inside, he couldn't see himself being tied down to somebody, at least not for now. 

“That’s fine by me,” Bokuto had said, grinning cheerily. “One day I will make you fall in love with me.” Or at least, that was what he hoped to do. After they started dating, Bokuto never did anything that Akaashi didn’t like. 

He knew Keiji hated carrots, so when he made curry katsu, he made sure to replace the carrots with other ingredients. Keiji also hated crowds, so he was fine with movie dates and late night cuddles. He even booked tickets to a relatively secluded island in Indonesia for their holiday, making sure that the beaches weren’t packed as they watched the sunset from the shore. He knew that his boyfriend was uncomfortable with public display of affection, so even though he was a usually touchy person, he resisted the urge to pull Keiji into a kiss after their dates, reserving that for when they were safely in the privacy of their own room. 

Keiji was a good boyfriend too. After Bokuto went pro, he often stayed up late to wait for Bokuto to come home from practice, keeping his dinner heated and ready when he pushed open the door to their apartment. He even went to the gym to cheer Bokuto on sometimes, and there were even occasions where Atsumu didn’t want to stay back for extra practice, so Keiji set for him instead. He was understanding when Bokuto got busy during the competition season, so he never complained when dates were canceled or plans were foiled. 

So somewhere along the lines, Bokuto must have forgotten what Keiji had said at the beginning of their relationship.  _ Perhaps he has changed his mind, now that he is a working adult. We have been together for 4 years, maybe he got comfortable with being with someone.  _ Only, Keiji has never said the words ‘I love you’ to Bokuto, even when those three words were constantly being rained down on him. 

It was fine, though, Bokuto told himself. He could feel Keiji softening towards him through his actions. The way he helped ice his swollen knees after too many hours of practice, the way Keiji would fall asleep on the sofa waiting for Bokuto - he could tell that this was Keiji’s way of telling him ‘I love you’. It was not until that one night, when Bokuto was home early for once, and had planned a surprise candlelight dinner with the help of Kuroo, since Keiji had been busy at the editing department, did he finally break. 

“I know you were busy with your recent project, and you’ve been so stressed lately, so just for tonight, just think about you and me, okay? Nothing else.” 

“This, you prepared all this?” He was surprised - the apartment was spick and span, and there were enough dishes piled on their dining table for a party. They were all his favourites, he realised. Taking another glance at his boyfriend, he took in his mildly disheveled appearance, registering just how much effort went into this dinner. Bokuto was trying - and failing - to hide his fingers behind his back, but Keiji could see the numerous bandaids around those calloused fingers. 

Sighing, he closed the distance between them and gently took Bokuto’s hand in his, lifting it up to inspect it further. 

“Ah, no, these are from volleyball-” Bokuto began to protest, but he silenced him with a glare. 

“You don’t get burns from volleyball, Koutarou. Take care of your fingers - how can an ace smash past blocks if you have so many burns on your hand?” He chided softly, but there was no real bite to his words, only concern. 

Bokuto merely smiled, drawing Keiji closer to his body. 

“I just wanted to help you relax for once.”

“Being around you already makes me relax, as long as you don’t do something stupid with Kuroo.” Keiji said softly, kissing Bokuto’s fingers. “Because I love you,” He let it slip, enjoying how Bokuto’s eyes widen so much it was almost comical. 

“K-Keiji-”

“I love you, Koutarou. Thank you. Let’s enjoy the dinner.” 

_ You said you love me, Keiji. What happened to that?  _

It was the fault of neither of them. If anyone was to blame, it was time. As the years wore by, the burden of the relationship pressed down on them. Bokuto only got busier, travelling from Japan to Spain to Europe for competitions, leaving Keiji all alone in their empty apartment and his thoughts. He thought he was ready for it, thought he could live like this forever, together with Bokuto, but he was wrong. 

His mind still can’t comprehend the thought of spending the rest of his life together with someone, even if he knew that he loved Bokuto beyond words. They used to fit so well back in high school, and when they started dating, Keiji actually thought that Bokuto was just like the missing puzzle piece that he had been searching for his entire life. Until he wasn’t. One too many lonely nights later, Keiji knew that he couldn’t do this any longer. 

Bokuto was amazing, he was wonderful, he was more than Keiji could ever ask for, he was Keiji’s  _ star.  _ His world. But he had to let him go - he couldn’t hold Bokuto back any further, especially if he had no plans on staying with him forever. Besides, it was becoming clear, from the decreasing amount of text messages and calls, that Bokuto was feeling the distance as well. So when Bokuto finally came back to Japan, Keiji proposed they had dinner together. A date, if you wanted to call it that. 

Before their food was even served, he said his piece. He told Bokuto about his feelings, and then asked to break up. He couldn’t look at Bokuto’s face, but he knew that it would be the most heartbreaking sight he ever saw - even worse than the time when they lost nationals and Bokuto refused to do anything for weeks, worse than the time Bokuto broke his ankle and couldn’t play in an important match so he sulked at home instead. 

Bokuto’s mind had gone blank when he heard the words, and for a moment he almost thought Akaashi was joking. But he wasn’t. 

“I’m sorry, Bokuto-san. I just can’t do this anymore. You feel it too, the strain of being in a relationship. I just, I can’t do this to you. You deserve someone better than me. I’m sorry.”

Perhaps it was the ‘Bokuto-san’ that sealed the deal. Akaashi hasn’t called him that since they graduated from Fukurodani. It was clear that he was trying to draw the line now, that they were just friends, and there was no need for him to address Bokuto by his first name. 

His throat went dry, and suddenly it was hard to swallow. He knew Akaashi hated making a scene in public, so he held his tears back, blinking furiously. Their food was served, and it saved either of them from making conversation for a bit, at least until Bokuto finally found his voice. 

“We weren’t ever going to work out, were we?” His voice was thin, shaky, almost like he was ready to burst into tears. There was a sigh, then a long, drawn out silence, before Akaashi placed his cutlery down and looked at Bokuto in the eye for the first time since he entered the restaurant. 

“No, but I loved you, Bokuto-san. I really did. Please, find somebody new. You deserve to be happy.” 

With that, Akaashi left. 

-

A year later, Bokuto was standing in the  Kamei Arena Sendai gymnasium, going up against the very people he used to back in High School. Memories of Akaashi came surging back, but he pushed it aside, acting like he usually did - asking the audience to cheer for him, hitting every single toss that was sent to him. When he was surveying the audience before the match, he had caught sight of a familiar tuff of black hair, sitting together with Udai Tenma, the ‘little giant’. He felt like his heart stopped for a second, because  _ akaashi was here.  _ He made sure to clear his mind before the game, determined not to let this affect his performance on court.  _ It’s just Keiji. Just Akaashi.  _

So perhaps, he tried so hard to forget that Akaashi was there, that he did what he did when they won the match. When the final whistle blew and he delivered the finishing spike, he felt the familiar high spread through his body, and he pulled Atsumu into a bone crushing hug, before giving him a light peck on his cheek, right in front of the entire audience. 

Later on, after they had changed and taken a quick shower, ready to go for dinner, he was still clinging on to Atsumu, the high of winning not wearing down just yet. 

“Tsumu, tsumu, give me a peck, I kissed you on court, didn’t I?” He whined, clinging onto the blonde’s arm as they strolled out of the stadium, only receiving a grunt in response. What he wasn’t expecting was Akaashi leaning against the wall of the stadium, clearing waiting for someone. When Akaashi’s eyes brightened upon seeing him, it became clear that that someone was him. 

“Give me a second, I’ll be right back.” He told Atsumu, then walked towards Akaashi with his hands shoved into his pockets. 

“Don’t cheat on me!” Atsumu yelled, but Bokuto only pulled a face, and then they both dissolved into laughter. 

Akaashi was watching the whole exchange with a bemused smile, though he felt like his heart was breaking all over again on the inside. 

“What’s up, Akaashi?” Hearing his name roll off Bokuto’s tongue so naturally left him craving for more, and he wanted to hear Bokuto call him ‘keiji’ again. But he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t be so selfish. He had let bokuto go, and the latter was obviously happy in this new relationship. They would always be together, he realised, so even distance wouldn’t be a problem. 

Swallowing all the words that he had prepared before he came to the match (“i miss you, can we go back to what we were?”) He settled on a simple “how are you” instead, listening as Bokuto went on and on about how tiring it was sometimes and they always had to be ready to pack up and leave for a match, plus he couldn’t have as many rest days so it was really tiring him out. 

“I see, it seems like you’re doing really well, Kou- Bokuto-san. I’m glad. I should be going, it’s late. I’m sure Atsumu-san is waiting for you too. See you around?” 

“Yeah! I hope you’re doing well too! But I shouldn’t hang around too long, or Tsumu will really think that I’m cheating on him. See you!” With that, he watched as Bokuto bounded back to his boyfriend, finally letting his entire body relax. Slumping down, he was glad that most of the stadium was clear by now, so no one could see him break so openly in the public. 

_ I shouldn’t have let him go.  _


End file.
